I find it difficult, with work and travel, to stay in tune with my emotions. I believe this is particularly difficult for men, and in the company of men, but easier in the company of women. Maybe this explains my preference, all my life, for the ladies.
I was telling daughter yesterday that she probably sees more of the real, the complete, me than anyone except my dearest. "More than son1 and son2?" she asked. I said I wasn't sure why, but yes. Then it struck me that it might have to do with gender, and the fact that I have always felt more relaxed and able to expose more of my heart to girls and women.
The kind of painting I long to do comes from a fantastic peaceful place in the core of my heart. It's a long journey there from the outside world I have to live in every day, and it takes a long time to get there - too long to go most evenings after work. Or so I've thought.
But recent correspondence with a new online friend, who is also an artist, has pointed me in a new direction. She (yes, once again it's the ladies who "get" it the way I need to hear it) suggested that I have this inner world tightly contained and protected in an inner box, walled off for safety from the outside world. So I'm caged there, too. I have to turn this inside out, and put work inside the box, and let the rest of me rove free. I'm learning this, living with the idea, feeling it sink deeper and deeper into me, until one day I think it will turn me over and outside in (right side out). Then the painting will be easier to do, because the glee will be in the garden instead of in a box in the back of a closet, and I'll be the gentler soul I long to be. Then my inner peaceable kingdom will be my outer reality.
And with this post and the last post (part 1) complete, it's time to go back to the world of A Summer Day.
>>>> Appendix de Grenouille #40 <<<<
Feelings are hard to express directly. Sometimes our hearts require poetry, or some picture. Perhaps at other times they are carried best by a simple sound.